don't stop believin'

August 11, 2013

As I write this on a particularly bad day, I'm envisioning the future. All that is good and happy and healthy. A place far ahead when I don't feel like crying every moment of every day, where I don't feel like things are unfair. Sometimes I get in this bad mental place, especially because it's all my life has been for the past few years {this year especially}. However, the reason for this post is to change things. To find a creative outlet set far ahead in the future, to express several goals of mine which are the needed motivation to break free from this bad chain. Wow, now wasn't that depressing and stuff? Anyway.
I have a dream. A really, really, mammoth big dream. I want to move to California. I've been pouring my all into this dream for the past 2/3 years, but it's hurtful when people {my family, mostly} are simply the least supportive people, ever. I'm talking mocking, bringing me down, telling me I'm never going to make it and this is just a dumb dream of mine. Well... it's not. It's not for many different reasons, but one of them is that I'm not a quitter. I'm just not. I face things positively. That's not to say I don't breakdown every once in a while {I mean...who doesn't?} but I'm mostly pretty positive. And I believe in myself. I truly do. I won't stop believing until I get there. And I will. It may be 2 years from now, 3 years from now... but it's going to happen. Words hurt, but the belief I have in myself drowns them out.

It is horrible when people who have left their dreams pass them by feel so much anger and regret inside of them that they have to squash other people's dreams. Not everyone, but some. It's unnecessary and mean spirited, and one of my goals is to let people unleash their dreams, no matter how big or small, and to pursue them. Even if they don't get it, they still gave it their all. You want something, you go get it. And that's all there is to it. One day, when I'm out there living my dream, I'll look back at these challenging times and smile. Not feel bitter or angry at those who didn't believe in me, but rather happy and proud of myself for having succeeded despite everyone telling me I wouldn't. That's the goal.

Personally speaking, this year has been rough. I've been positive but I've been down. I've been happy just as much as I've been sad. And little things give me solace, the thought of what's to come just as long as I work hard for it. But it also awakened me to my body, to my health, to what I must do to protect it. Turning a setback in the form of my illness, into a comeback in the form of exercise and fitness. Two weeks in and I feel amazing. Reborn. Stronger than ever. Proud of myself. Healthy. On the other side of the fear of my illness, the dread and the despair... there's the freedom that you have ONE life to live, and it's a shame to waste it on your couch doing nothing, letting your body deteriorate and die slowly and unfulfilled. CHANGE.

There's still plenty of work to do, plenty of miles to run, plenty of weights to lift, plenty of habits to change. But I'm happy to do it. I'm happy I'm in this. I'm grateful to be able to do this, to work my body into what I envision it to be, to have the right mindset to do so. I'm blessed for being able to live with my illness, to have a positive attitude that I hope will come out for others, to be ALIVE and ENGAGED in myself. It's not always easy. It's hard and I've cried myself to sleep quietly many times. But I've woken up energized and motivated just as many times. It's give and take. No one is happy always, but we have to do our best to cultivate this sense of fulfillment. So we must look out for ourselves, or no one else will.

Eat right. Workout. Hydrate your body. Hydrate your skin. Be motivated. Have the desire to change and evolve. YOU are what draws the line between feeling good about yourself or not. Respect your body and respect yourself. Believe in YOU! My dream is South California, Los Angeles, Malibu, Santa Monica... living it healthy, happy and fulfilled. Who's to know what good things are just around the corner? Be the best version of yourself that you can possibly be! Set goals, work towards them. 
It's been two weeks. The changes in myself are notorious. I'm healthier, lighter, more focused. I'm better. But I'm also realistic. There's a long way to go... but it's easier to walk that road once you've seen how far you've come rather than seeing how far you still have to go. Slow progress is progress all the same. You can do it. You are strong. You are worthy. You are ABLE! Thank you for coming along with me on my journey to California and towards a healthier life. We CAN do this, just as long as we...
Have an awesome week and I'll see you soon! xx

{Images from Google, Pinterest}

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