i met someone and it feels...

November 08, 2014

Beautiful. Exhausting. Overwhelming. Insane. Heartbreaking. Wonderful. Confusing. Amazing. 

Frankly, I can't tell which. Depends on the day, really. To be honest with you, it had been a long while (about 76 years, to be precise) since I allowed myself to let someone in, to go beyond sarcasm and banter and actually - slightly - get to the center of me. And it fucking terrifies me. The kind of terrified that makes my heart want to poop its pants on a regular basis, the kind of scared that makes me question my decision almost everyday. I thought that the self imposed celibacy vow I took for almost 3 horribly long years would simply vanish into thin air when I met someone I really liked. But it hasn't. What's more, all the fears I never knew I had resurfaced like a tidal wave and consistently hover around my head like a dead weight. It's exhausting to constantly have to doubt your selfworth and value to someone, all because your mind refuses to stop turning.

But damn it if it doesn't feel amazing in equal measure. Frankly, there's no other feeling in the world quite like it. When it's bad, it's awful, but when it's good... It's everything. There's no one in this world who can make you smile as broad and as bright as they can. It's sort of a huge mixing bowl of banter and mocking one another as well as a lot of love and sweetness and cheesiness. There's sort of this moment in time when everything is suspended, all the fears that plague me when I'm all alone seem to dissipate and I'm just...there. Happy and engaged and a beautiful mess. I have this huge need in me to stop time right there and never fast forward or rewind...just stay there and soak in the happiness because when you live the life I do, you never know when that can be taken away from you, as dramatic as that sounds.

For me, I knew I loved him when he didn't get on my nerves after a week, when seeing his socks didn't make me want to gag (socks are a weak spot for me, okay), when all the things everyone deems gross seemed sort of great for me. GREAT, you guys. I wanted a brick to the face when I realized just how far gone I was, and let me tell you, it took me a while to realize all of this. It was kinda like talking to someone and slowly but surely, every little piece that makes them, well, them, sort of overflows into your own personality and suddenly you realize you're 50 feet deep into a pile of shit and feelings and you simply can't find your way back. Question is, do you want to?

I sorta feel like a newborn, for a lack of a better word. The spirit of constantly learning the ropes again, feeling like you're sort of back to square one, crippled by feelings you're supposed to want and welcome with open arms that sometimes make you feel fucking great as well as wishing to be dead. But well, I guess you take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, because this is part of the whole find-your-mate-and-if-he-gets-on-your-last-nerve-do-your-best-not-to-kill-him type of thing. I think I'm doing pretty well. Mostly. Kind of.

(HELP.)

~

There’s a devil in your smile that’s chasing me
And every time I turn around it’s only gaining speed
There’s a moment when you finally realize
There’s no way you can change the rolling tide
There’s a future in my life I can't foresee
Unless of course I stay on course and keep you next to me

hardships

October 15, 2014

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You know, I don't think I can really eloquently express myself lately. Or for the past year and a half. I feel like every time I write here in this blog of mine, I'm always either saying things have been tough, or that things have been tough. Thing is, anyone who knows me knows I'm most definitely not a whiner, but all the emotional build up stays with you until it festers in your gut and just makes everything really suck. So yeah. I'm here... Saying things have been tough. Again.

After I full stopped that sentence above, I procrastinated for 10 minutes until I started typing again. I feel like there's a drought of words inside my brain, I don't know how to put into words just how much of a roller coaster life has been since last year, and it doesn't seem to stop. It's constantly in motion and it doesn't care if I get motion sickness from all the twists and turns, highs and lows, elation and depression. I do my best but I sometimes can't keep up. 

10 days ago I was admitted to the hospital after feeling extremely sick for a whole week. There. Phew. It's out there in the universe now, lol. Even writing the words 'hospital' and 'admitted' screams whiner in my brain. But I need to get some feelings off my chest, so here we are. Last resource and all. 

I don't think most people understand just how debilitating spending day upon day stuck in a hospital room is, and all the crazy shit it can do to your brain. That one week alone I lost something like 14lbs, and yet, even feeling weak and knowing I would be no good out of the hospital, it was all I could think about. Every second of every minute of every hour I dreamed of walking out those doors, packing up the stack of magazines next to my hospital bed, my laptop and chargers, and heading back home to my bedroom and comfort. Yet, day after day, I was left behind while my parents got to go home. 

It's so tough on your brain, and you don't want people to know just how badly you feel, so you smile. I smiled and was chipper and was funny to my doctors, helped them whenever it was requested of me, helped med students alike, but inside I felt like I was crumbling. That feeling of me being stuck inside a box, yelling at the top of my lungs, but no one could hear. Hormones through the roof, crying while listening to basic songs on my iPod.

Why am I even writing all this when no one cares? Good question. I think if anything, the fact my own life is so fleeting and so touch and go sometimes, it makes me want to middle finger everything and just be, you know? Pardon my French, but it makes me want to not give a shit about anything other than living day by day, the best way I know how. I think the more honest and bullshit free we are, the better we feel. So I stopped caring if I get these and those comments, or these and those views. I just want to get things off my chest, so that they don't become corrosive and catch up with me every night when it's just me and my thoughts.

Either way, I'm home now. I'm good. Healing. Regaining my strength and positivity back, slowly but surely. It will all fall into place...eventually. x

Sidenote: I'm sincerely debating naming my first born after my nurse. Seriously, you guys, those people are superheroes. They really, really are. Deepest gratitude and appreciation going on in this heart of mine. 

driving down south

September 03, 2014

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A trip down south was just what the doctor ordered (no, literally, it was just what the doctor ordered haha). Seriously, a week spent in a place where the sun always shines, where the waves rarely swallow you whole, sand so soft it feels like clouds, staying in such a nice condominium with sweet people and a ginormous pool, my pale body finally catching some color and visible tan lines, catching up on sleep ... why did we ever have to leave, again?

It was great to recharge batteries for a new (and final!) year at college, it still doesn't feel real, to be honest with you. I feel as if I'm fresh out of high school and the last 3 years never happened. If only... happy September to you! 

last day of august

August 31, 2014

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I know it's the biggest cliché in the world but allow me: how is it the end of August already!? And why is the world so unfair to give us what feels like an endless horrid Winter and then make Summer fly past us at supersonic speed? #thingsthatannoyme

On the other hand, I'm sort of, maybe, a tiny bit excited for Fall. Just a tiny bit. But only because Fall fashion is my favorite and I can't wait to wear my light capes and bordeaux and mauve and Timberlands and snuggling under the covers. Minus the college part because that, my friends, is already killing my soul. 

Happy end of the summer (weeps!) to you all! 

things one should always remember

August 12, 2014

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Just some thoughts on this Tuesday... Hope you have a blessed day, wherever you are!

clean cut

August 10, 2014

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(All images via weheartit)

Some of the images that are inspiring me right now... Can they all magically transport themselves to my closet? Kthnxbye. 

Heads up, to whoever visits my little spot on the web: I will leave for some days to a land where Internet access is nothing but a fantasy. Pray for me! I'll be back soon, hopefully armed with some cool photos and whatnot. Have a good week, lovelies!

iphone summer snaps

August 09, 2014

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When you're not feeling particularly chatty, some pictures are worth a thousand words... I mean, not that my Friday outfit or a (ridiculously gorgeous) tree are that relevant, but still. Just roll with it. Happy weekend, everyone!

the simple way

August 03, 2014

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Maybe it was after getting sick last year that I've wanted to "uncomplicate" my life a bit. Heels, dresses, even pussy bow blouses and skirts took a backseat to flats, jeans (!!!) and flannels. If you knew me before this year, you'd know jeans were a forbidden staple in my closet. Now, it's an everyday occurrence. Trainers, ditto. But these dark blue New Balance ones, plus my obsession with big, chunky men's watches... Getting a tad out of control, I'd say. Maybe this all stems from my desire to be comfortable over prim, or maybe because these items are cool as fudge. Either goes!

what other people's comments will do to you

July 31, 2014

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(Oysho Playsuit, Parfois Wedges) 

I think I've never really understood how someone's comments could feel so debilitating and make you feel self conscious until I got to high school and someone made a comment to me saying, "Jesus! Cover those arms! You're so pale, how do you stand to wear short sleeves? Put those arms away!" ... so, you know, those were nice words to hear when you're 16 and sensitive to anything. All these constant comments about how pale my skin is and how unattractive it is, especially in this country where everyone and their mother has some sort of tan to them, can really be a confidence killer. This summer I've come around to wearing things that showcase my legs a bit, but even so, as I walk on the street, I always think people are looking at my legs and commenting on how pale or unattractive they are. But the simple fact I'm wearing short things again is a massive step forward in beating these self depreciating words and also why looking back on these photos feels extra good. So I wanna ask you, please don't purposely say things that will hurt someone or diminish their confidence in any way, because what takes you one second to say, will forever stay with the other person. Wow, this was kinda heavy.

ANYWAY! Happy, happy Thursday, you guys! Last day of July, perfect time to get your legs out and show 'em to the world. Because, you know, you're awesome and cool and beautiful and you're worth SO much. xxoo

life through my iphone

July 27, 2014

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Last Monday's shopping trip to pick up some holiday essentials, like a new bikini, towel, body butter and moisturizer, some new shoes (been so long!), and some bits of makeup. You know, just a usual selfie in your car... no big deal! #vain

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Because iced coffee infused with chocolate is the only coffee I will ever willingly drink. Yes, you may think I'm crazy, but I call this... healthy.

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OKAY. This right here will go down in history as the craziest day in recent times. So, I went to see One Direction in Portugal, aka the world convention of crazy hormonal teens yelling for 5 British guys under scorching July heat that was only a fraction more bearable because heaven sent firemen decided to roll around and spray us with their fire hoses. Sounds crazy? It was even crazier. Took me a whole week to recover and finally not feeling anxious about having people touch me, claustrophobia, plus recovering from the blisters on my feet and the sunburn that covered my whole back. Other than that, t'was peachy. Hah.

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Early June days, when Summer was just starting and everything was brighter and more optimistic. Now we're almost in August and I'm not okay... because after August comes September, and no one likes September. Let us pray.

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HELLO WORLD! Whoa, there, shouty capitals in your beautiful faces... I'm very sorry. So, how's everyone been?! Enjoying your summers?! Here are some amateurish photos taken with my iPhone, because lately I haven't felt like picking up my Canon but also really felt like updating my blog and imaginary readers with my life lately... even if it's the least stimulating thing ever. Anyways, August will be a gooooood month with a cool holiday that shall bring lots of pictures and updates and magical things around the blog, so stay tuned! Catch you on the flip side, lovers. xx

checking in

July 20, 2014

Dear, oh, dear. Been so long since I've checked up on things around my little web house here. I could get into the extensive details, but honestly, my life lately would be akin to a full length novel. Let's just say that the World Cup is over, my feet are finally touching the ground again, and I will start posting more regularly this week. See you very soon!

be right back!

May 28, 2014

Hello, my good people! How's everyone doing? Just a quick little post here to let y'all know I have not forgotten about this blog - at all! - but I'm up to my neck in college assignments and the stress has run me down so bad I'm basically comatose as we speak. This post is brought to you courtesy of insomnia and a lot of meds. Yay, meds! Yay, insomnia! Yay, college life! Hashtag, NOT. Anyways. This week I'm finally upgrading my laptop after 6 years, so tons more stuff is coming with a laptop that doesn't belong in the dark ages. So, yep, be right back! Ta-ta!

mother's day

May 04, 2014

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Mommy, you are a superhero. The kind of superhero who wears an apron, skinny jeans, blouses and jewelry, who cooks me meals and cleans up after me. The kind of superhero who has always tended to my scraped knees, who has cried silently at night because of my diseases ever since I was a baby (yes, momma, I know about it), who is always proud of me, no matter how much I shine or screw up. I really want to thank you for all that you do for me daily, putting yourself last for me and my sisters, for always bringing me my medication when I’m too lazy to pick it up, even after working 8-6. The one who puts up with my stupidity and random, annoying, hypothetical questions about life. You really are a superhero, mommy, and I appreciate you endlessly. We may bicker back and forth every day, but we do so because we are cut from the same cloth, you and I. Similar as twins in everything. I wish I could give you the world, momma, and I will do that someday. You just wait. I love you!

my life... plus crohn’s disease

May 03, 2014

I was 18 when I was first diagnosed with Crohn’s disease. It was only a year ago, but feels like it was only yesterday. Times flies when you're having fun. HA! It’s really not the drama some people envision it to be. Honestly, I think some people pity me more than I’d ever consider pitying myself – meaning, I don’t pity myself at all. What’s the point, anyway? Pitying myself or crying about the misfortunes I’ve been handed has never and will never bring me any good fortune… The only thing that does bring me comfort and confidence is having faith and tons of positivity, as cheesy and corny as it may be. That’s all there is to it. Joint inflammation? I’ll kick your ass. Abdominal pain? It’ll surely pass. Drawing blood every week or so? Not everyone can say they do that. Whining about things every two minutes and being passive aggressive about it? Yeah, I want nothing to do with y’all. That’s probably my recipe for success… you know, if I was Martha Stewart or something. Which I’m not. At all. But anyway.

“You are so brave and quiet, I forget you’re suffering.” - Ernest Hemingway

Let me tell you how it all went down for me and maybe by reading this, some of you might relate to what I went (and continue to go) through. Sometime in November 2012, I started feeling acute (and I mean acute) abdominal pain several times during the day. It wasn’t pretty. The only way I can describe the pain is by saying it felt like stab wounds to my belly that left me no choice but to completely stop everything I was doing and riding the pain, a bit like what I imagine a contraction feels like. This went on for about five unrelenting months until the real struggle began. My body started basically fighting itself, resulting in swelling of my ankles at first – at some point both of them, so walking was pretty impossible –, and I went to a local physical therapist to try and solve the problems that kept coming up left and right. It worked, until my knee started retaining fluids and essentially locked down. My joints were severely inflamed, my knee hurt like a mother and wouldn’t budge, my elbows were beginning to lock down as well, my lips were blue, skin yellow, chills and hormones out of control… it was a real chummy period in my life, heh.

“You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it.”

At some point around April 2013, my body was so badly infected that my organism started to shut down, with high fevers and chills and cold sweats. Nothing seemed to work, nothing seemed to keep my body from swelling and rebelling against me. Sometimes it felt like I was fighting a losing battle. It wasn’t until after Easter Sunday that I went in to get my blood drawn (how stupid it is to think it took me so long… Please don’t ever delay something that could save your life the way I did, how foolish was I?) and the results were beyond worrisome. The next day I was rushed to the ER and they ran about 500 tests, but I wasn’t scared. It really baffles me how calm I was in the face of all the bad things that were happening. My family, on the other hand, was devastated and it showed. I was probably numb to the whole thing. I remember laughing and joking and doing all these things that just weren’t normal in my condition. When the day came to an end, with tons of painful procedures like draining my knee and having people poke around my tender belly, I came out of the hospital with a preliminary Crohn’s diagnosis. And the rest, as they say, is history.

“Don’t forget you’re human. It’s okay to have a meltdown. Just don’t unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed.”

To be honest with you, I don’t think my world is caving in just because I have more hurdles to overcome than the next person. If anything, I feel blessed that I’m not going through some other things that are much worse than my current situation. I’ve learnt to make the most of it, even becoming so much more active than I was before by finding a tremendous love for exercise and my gym crew. It’s all about perspective, a positive attitude and the support from all the people I love and hold dear and near to my heart. I couldn’t do half the things I’ve done thus far without their unconditional love, support and understanding. I don’t publicize my disease; before now, I think I could count on my two hands the amount of people that know what I’m going through. Not because I’m scared of what other people may or may not think, but because my disease is mine and mine alone and I don’t need other people’s pity and sad puppy eyes just because my intestines are cooler than yours. Seriously, y’all deal with your jealousy by yourselves. Ain’t nobody got time for that!! #UniqueIsAwesome #YourBlandIntestinesAreJealous #DealWithIt

“I am learning to trust the journey, even when I do not understand it.”

Okay, I’m obviously joking, but I think you really have to turn your frown upside down, making lemonade with whatever lemons life throws your way. She’s not always going to throw clean, pristine and beautifully yellow lemons at you, is she? So what if Miss Life got a little confused when putting my DNA together and threw in some faulty, messy lemons onto my intestines. I can still make tasty lemonade with them! Uh… okay, stop. Ew. This analogy isn’t working out too well, but I think you catch my drift, right? I mean, not to say living with Crohn's is a walk in the park, because it's clearly not. It puts a damper on your life for sure, you're not oblivious to the disease that, every now and again, bubbles up to the surface and reminds you it's here to stay. There's no cure, but there's positivity and fighting spirit instead. Yeah?

So, if you ever find yourself in a similar situation, this is my advice to you:
  • Don’t ever allow yourself to think, “Oh, it’s nothing! This will pass. I don’t need any doctor’s advice.” Trust your gut on this one. If you feel like death and sicker than sick, maybe it’s a good indicator that you are, in fact, sick. Who would’ve thought, huh?
  • Don’t mistake yourself for a doctor and don’t trust medical advice from people around you who aren’t doctors either. Did we go to medical school for half our lives? No. Do we know what we’re talking about? No, we do not. Go. See. A. Doctor.
  • Don’t hide your pain. I did this all the time and, in the end, I kept wishing I had just yelled out my pain earlier. You don’t have to be Hulk or Ironman. You’re a human being. You’re genetically programmed to feel pain. You have a God given right to manifest said pain (read: there’s a difference between manifesting pain and whining).
  • Don’t let yourself get sucked into the huge abyss of negativity. Yes, we have Crohn’s. Yes, it’s a chronic disease that will stick with us forever. No, we are not dying. No, our life isn’t over. We can live a completely normal life. We are not inferior, unhappier, less than anyone else. We are equal, and we are even more awesome because we are soldiers, fighters and cooler people in general.
  • Exercise. Be active. Have faith. Stay calm. Find things you love and do them. Acknowledge the fact our time here is limited and we mustn’t spend it frowning or stressing. Be positive! We are stronger than we believe and we find strength in places we had no idea we could even reach. Everything – and I mean everything! – will work out in the end. We can overcome anything.
I’m writing this to you in the middle of a particularly bad flare up, triggered by my biggest nemesis, good old stress. I’m bed ridden with inflamed joints and unable to work out – also known as my personal hell, if you’re curious. BUT, no matter how dark the situation may be, everything will settle down and work itself out. I hope you take comfort in my experience, and I know that whatever you’re going through will work itself out too. Hey, that rhymes!

easter sunday hike

April 20, 2014

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Happy Easter, you guys! Did you little devils OD from all the chocolate, almonds, lunch, desserts? You cheeky sods, you! I must admit, though, Easter is not my favorite holiday. If I had to draw up a scale of my favorite holidays, Easter would be really, really down there with Christmas. I'm just not a big festive person, you know? Am I the Grinch? My ideal Easter Sunday would be spent traveling somewhere and not worrying about a single thing. I don't partake in any Easter traditions, I don't attend Easter mass, don't eat myself into a food coma... Wow, hmm, depressing much?! Ha! But yes, while others dressed up all festively, I simply put on my flannel, leggings, Timberland's, fresh off the shower hair and went for a hike in the sunshine after lunch with the family! T'was a gorgeous day in the low 70's with tons of things happening around town... This was my Easter Sunday! How was yours? xxoo

a reminder for you, a reminder for me

April 18, 2014

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(Vintage Shirt, Pull&Bear Jeans, Parfois Wedges, Blanco Belt)

I wasn’t even going to talk about this today, but as I was editing these photos, I found myself thinking about just how vicious us women actually are. You know, as women, we should all be like a chummy group of people who mutually support each other because, in the end, we all suffer from the same ill fate: cellulite, boobs, hips, periods, PMS-ing, a bit of acne, yo-yo weight, men looking down on us… so it’s really freaking ridiculous how our favorite pastime is to tear each other down.

“Oh man, she’s just too darn fat”, “oh man, she’s a bag of bones!”, “holy macaroni, the hips on that girl!”, “gosh, did you see that girl with purple hair?”, and so on, so forth. AND, let us all not wipe guilt off our shoulders because we all, at one point or another, made a comment or 2,896 like these. Yes, myself included.

Let me tell y’all, there’s no perfect body type. It pisses me off that there’s this general consensus of what a woman should look like. Every single body on every single person is worthy of praise and love and respect, period. Barring any bad health problems your body type may cause you, we need to work for the body we feel the best in. Skinny girls, y’all keep doing your thing. Curvy girls, y’all keep doing your thing. Big butt? Awesome! Pancake butt? Amazeballs! It’s literally that simple. I don’t understand why hearing the words “you look skinnier!” are like a pat in the back, a compliment even. Even for myself. Maybe “you look curvier!” should be one, too. I don’t know, man… Women live under so much pressure and scrutiny, it’s insane and ridiculous and absolutely mindboggling.

We all have a type. I, personally, love seeing a curvy woman (and a curvy man!). That’s not to say I don’t find skinny men and skinny women beautiful, because I do. Immensely. Wear what you love, look the way you want to look, dye your hair purple if that’ll make you happy… only your opinion and happiness matters. “A lion doesn’t lose sleep over the opinion of sheep.” Right on!

FYI, the plan today was to talk about denim on denim, but I got a little sidetracked as per usual. My one and only question to y’all is, am I a bit too reminiscent of Justin and Britney’s massive fail a century ago? #neverforget! Plus, holy cow, how high waisted are these jeans? HEEEEA-VEN!! Ta-ta, loves, see you soon!

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