i met someone and it feels...

November 08, 2014

Beautiful. Exhausting. Overwhelming. Insane. Heartbreaking. Wonderful. Confusing. Amazing. 

Frankly, I can't tell which. Depends on the day, really. To be honest with you, it had been a long while (about 76 years, to be precise) since I allowed myself to let someone in, to go beyond sarcasm and banter and actually - slightly - get to the center of me. And it fucking terrifies me. The kind of terrified that makes my heart want to poop its pants on a regular basis, the kind of scared that makes me question my decision almost everyday. I thought that the self imposed celibacy vow I took for almost 3 horribly long years would simply vanish into thin air when I met someone I really liked. But it hasn't. What's more, all the fears I never knew I had resurfaced like a tidal wave and consistently hover around my head like a dead weight. It's exhausting to constantly have to doubt your selfworth and value to someone, all because your mind refuses to stop turning.

But damn it if it doesn't feel amazing in equal measure. Frankly, there's no other feeling in the world quite like it. When it's bad, it's awful, but when it's good... It's everything. There's no one in this world who can make you smile as broad and as bright as they can. It's sort of a huge mixing bowl of banter and mocking one another as well as a lot of love and sweetness and cheesiness. There's sort of this moment in time when everything is suspended, all the fears that plague me when I'm all alone seem to dissipate and I'm just...there. Happy and engaged and a beautiful mess. I have this huge need in me to stop time right there and never fast forward or rewind...just stay there and soak in the happiness because when you live the life I do, you never know when that can be taken away from you, as dramatic as that sounds.

For me, I knew I loved him when he didn't get on my nerves after a week, when seeing his socks didn't make me want to gag (socks are a weak spot for me, okay), when all the things everyone deems gross seemed sort of great for me. GREAT, you guys. I wanted a brick to the face when I realized just how far gone I was, and let me tell you, it took me a while to realize all of this. It was kinda like talking to someone and slowly but surely, every little piece that makes them, well, them, sort of overflows into your own personality and suddenly you realize you're 50 feet deep into a pile of shit and feelings and you simply can't find your way back. Question is, do you want to?

I sorta feel like a newborn, for a lack of a better word. The spirit of constantly learning the ropes again, feeling like you're sort of back to square one, crippled by feelings you're supposed to want and welcome with open arms that sometimes make you feel fucking great as well as wishing to be dead. But well, I guess you take the good with the bad, the happy with the sad, because this is part of the whole find-your-mate-and-if-he-gets-on-your-last-nerve-do-your-best-not-to-kill-him type of thing. I think I'm doing pretty well. Mostly. Kind of.

(HELP.)

~

There’s a devil in your smile that’s chasing me
And every time I turn around it’s only gaining speed
There’s a moment when you finally realize
There’s no way you can change the rolling tide
There’s a future in my life I can't foresee
Unless of course I stay on course and keep you next to me

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